The Problem:

My child is always lying about small things that don’t matter, as well as larger issues. Why is this happening and how can I change it?

The Expert:

Eli Harwood, psychotherapist, passcenter.org

The Solution:

When looking at a problematic behavior, we always want to start by believing that our children are doing the best they know how to do at a given point in time. This stands true even with lying, stealing, and cheating—some of the hardest behaviors to accept. As a parent, it’s natural to move from the what (My kid is lying!) to the what I want instead (My kid to be honest!) without taking the time to understand the why, and what they need from us.

Kids lie for myriad reasons. Some lies are about protecting ourselves from pain or consequences; some are for protecting others; some are little lies for feeding self-esteem; and some lies are just plain fun—like playing pretend.

Consider the following to help solve the problem:

• Help your child to make sense of why they choose to lie and to see it through a dignified lens. For example, “I think you told me your little brother broke the lamp because you were scared I’d be mad at you.”
• Discuss with a loving stance why lying can be problematic and hurtful and lead to unforeseen consequences. For example, “I’m worried that you may not have considered that your brother is your favorite playmate, and that he may not want to play with you if he’s afraid you’ll blame him for things he didn’t do.”
• Empower your child to come up with alternative choices they could have made. “Next time, what could you choose differently and why would you make that choice?”
• Evaluate your impact on the situation. Are your emotional reactions making it hard for your child to tell you the truth? Are you giving your child freedom that they are not developmentally ready to handle? Are there any incentives to tell the truth? Or does telling the truth always come with more consequences, and therefore feel counterintuitive to your child?

Remember that our greatest teachers were not the ones who punished us the most. They were the ones who saw us through loving eyes, believed in our goodness, and offered us instruction on how to move forward.